Family or work? The importance of value clarification

Richard Harvey, PhD and Erik Peper, PhD

In a technologically modern world, many people have the option of spending 24 hours a day/ 7 days a week continuously interacting via telephone, text, work and personal emails or internet websites and various social media platforms such as Facebook, What’s App, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn and Snapchat. How many people do we know who work too many hours, watch too many episodes on digital screens, commute too many hours, or fill loneliness with online versions of retail therapy?  In the rush of work-a-day survival as well as being nudged and bombarded with social media notifications, or advertisements for material goods, we forget to nurture meaningful friendships and family relationships (Peper and Harvey, 2018). The following ‘values clarification’ practice may help us identify what is most important to us and help keep sight of those things that are most relevant in our lives (Hofmann, 2008; Knott, Ribar, & Duson, 1989; Twohig & Crosby, 2009;. Peper, 2014).

Give yourself about 12 minutes of uninterrupted time to do this practice. Do this practice by yourself, in a group, or with family and friends.  Have a piece of paper ready. Be guided by the two video clips at the end of the blog. Begin with the Touch Relaxation and Regeneration Practice to relax and let go of thoughts and worries, then follow it with the Value Clarification Practice.

Touch Relaxation and Regeneration Practice

Turn off your cell phone and let other know not to interrupt for the next 12 minutes, then engage in the following six-minute relaxation exercise. If your attention wanders during the practice, then bring your attention back to the various sensations in your body.

1. Sit comfortably, then lift your arms from your lap, holding them parallel to the floor and tighten your arms while making a fist in each hand.   While holding your fists tightly closed, keep breathing for a total of 10 seconds before dropping the arms to your lap while you relax all of your muscles.  Attend for 20 seconds to the changing sensations in arms and hands as they relax.  If your attention wanders bring it back to the sensations in your arm and hands.
2. Tighten your buttock muscles and bend your ankles so that the toes move upwards in a direction towards your knees.  Keep breathing and hold your toes upwards for 10 seconds and then let the toes move down to the floor, letting go and relaxing all the muscles of the lower trunk and legs. Feel your knees widening and feel your buttock muscles relaxing. Continue attending to the body and muscle sensations for the next 20 seconds. If your attention wanders bring it back to the sensations in your body.
3. Tighten your whole body by pressing your knees together, lifting your arms up from your lap, making a fist and wrinkling your face. Hold the tension while continuing to breath for 10 seconds. Let go and relax and feel the whole body sinking and relaxing and being supported by the chair for the next 20 seconds.
4. Bring your right hand to your left shoulder. Over the next 10 seconds, inhale for three or four seconds and as you exhale for five or six seconds, with your right hand stroke down your left arm from your shoulder to past your hand. Imagine that the exhaled air is flowing through your arm and out your hand. Repeat at least once more.
5. Bring your left hand to your right shoulder. Inhale for three or four seconds and as you exhale for five or six seconds with your left hand stroke down your right arm from your shoulder to past your hand. Imagine that the exhaled air is flowing through your arm and out your hand. Repeat at least once more.
6. Bring both hands to the sides of your hips. Inhale for three or four seconds and as you exhale for five or six seconds stroke your legs with your hands from the hips to the ankles. Imagine that the exhaled air is flowing through your legs and out your feet. Repeat a least once more.
7. Close your eyes and inhale for three or four seconds, then hold your breath for seven seconds  slowly exhale for eight seconds. Imagine as you exhale the air flowing through your arms and out your hands and through your legs and out your feet. Continue breathing easily and slowly such as inhaling for three or four seconds, and out for five to seven seconds.  If your attention wanders just bring it back to the sensations going down your arms and legs.  Feel the relaxation and peacefulness.
8. Take another deep breath and then stretch and continue with the Value Clarification

Value Clarification Practice

Get the paper and pen and do the following Value Clarification Practice.

1. Quickly (e.g. 30-60 seconds) list the 10 most important things in your life.  For the activity to work, the list must contain 10 important things that may be concrete or abstract, ranging from material things such as a smart phone or a car to immaterial things such as family, love, god, health…  If you need to, break up a larger category into smaller pieces.  For example, if one item on the list is family, and you only have seven items on the list, assuming you have a family of four, then identify separate family members in order to complete a list of 10 important things.
2. To start off, in only 10 seconds, please cross off three items from the list, then explain why you removed those three. If done in a group of people turn to the person explain why you made these choices.
3. Next, in only 10 seconds, please cross off three more, then explain why you kept what you kept. If done in a group of people turn to the person explain why you made these choices.
4. Finally, in only 10 seconds, please cross off three more, then reveal the one most important thing on your list.  Share your choice for the item you kept and how you felt while crossing items from the list or keeping them.
5. When engaging with this type of values clarification practice, please remind yourself and others that the items on the list were never gone, they are always in your life to the extent that you can honor the presence of those things in your life.

We have done these exercises with thousands of student and adults.  The most common final item on the list is family or an individual family member. Sometimes, categories such as health or god appear, however it is extremely rare that material items make it to the final round. For example, no one would report that their last item is their job, their bank account, their house, or their smart phone.  It is common that people have difficulty choosing the last item on their list, often taking more than 10 seconds to choose. For example, they find that they cannot choose between eliminating individual family members.  For those who find the activity too difficult, remind them that the exercise is voluntary and meant as a ‘thought experiment’ which they may stop at any time.

Reflect how much of your time is spent nurturing what is most important to you?  In many cases we feel compelled to finish some employment priorities instead of making time for nurturing our family relationship.  And when we become overwhelmed with work demands, we retreat to sooth our difficulties by checking our email or browsing social media rather than supporting the family connections that are so important to us.

Organize an action plan to honor and support your commitment to the items on your list that you value the most. If possible let other people know what you are doing.

1. Describe in detail what you will do in real life and in real time in service to honor and support your relationships with the things that you value.
2. Describe in detail what you will do, when you will do it, with whom you will do it, at what time you will do it, and anticipate what will get in the way of doing it.  For example, how will you resolve any conflicts between what you plan and what you actually do when there is not enough time to carry out your plans?
3. Schedule a time during the following week for feedback about your plans to honor and support the things you value.

Summary

Many people experience that it is challenging to make time to honor and support their primary values given the ongoing demands of daily living.  To be congruent with our values means making ongoing choices such as listening and sharing experiences with your partner versus binging on videos or, using your smartphone for answering email or texting instead of watching your child play ball.

The values you previously identified are similar to those identified by patients who are in hospice and dying. For them as they look back on their lives, the five most common regret are (Ware, 2009; Ware, 2012):

• I wish I’d the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
• I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
• I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.
• I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
• I wish I had let myself be happier.

Take the time to plan actions that support your identified values.  Feel free to watch the following videos that guide you through the activities described here.

References

Hofmann, S.G. (2008). Acceptance and commitment therapy: New wave or Morita therapy?.  Clinical Psychology: Science and Practice, 15(4), 280-285. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1468-2850.2008.00138.x

Knott, J.E., Ribar, M.C. & Duson, B.M. (1989). Thanatopics: Activities and Exercises for Confronting Death, Lexington Books: Lexington, MA. https://www.amazon.com/Thanatopics-Activities-Exercise-Confronting-Death/dp/066920871X

Peper, E. (October 19, 2014).  Choices-Creating meaningful days. https://peperperspective.com/2014/10/19/choices-creating-meaningful-days/

Peper, E. & Harvey, R. (2018). Digital addiction: increased loneliness, depression, and anxiety. NeuroRegulation. 5(1),3–8.  doi:10.15540/nr.5.1.3  http://www.neuroregulation.org/article/view/18189/11842

Twohig, M.P. & Crosby, J.M. (2009). Values clarification. In: O’Donohue & W.T., Fisher, J.E., Eds. Cognitive behavior therapy: applying empirically supported techniques in your practice. Wiley:  Hoeboken, N.J., p. 681-686.

Ware, B. (2009). Regrets of the dying. https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

Ware, B. (2012). The top five regrets of dying: A life transformed by the dearly departing. Hay House. ISBN: 978-1401940652