From Conflict to Calm: Reframing Stress and Finding Peace with Difficult People

Adapted from: Peper, E. (2025, Feb 15). From Conflict to Calm: Reframing Stress and Finding Peace with Difficult People. Townsend Letter-Innovative Health Perspectives. https://townsendletter.com/from-conflict-to-calm-reframing-stress-and-finding-peace-with-difficult-people/

After living in our house for a few years, a new neighbor moved in next door. Within months, she accused us of moving things in her yard, blamed us when there was a leak in her house, dumped her leaves from her property onto other neighbors’ properties, and even screamed at her tenants to the extent that the police were called numerous times.

Just looking at her house through the window was enough to make my shoulders tighten and leave me feeling upset. When I drove home and saw her standing  in front of her house, I would drive around the block one more time to avoid her while feeling my body contract. Often, when I woke up in the morning, I would already anticipate conflict with my neighbor. I would share stories of my disturbing neighbor and her antics with my friends. They were very supportive and agreed with me that she was crazy.

However, this did not resolve my anger, indignation, or the anxiety that was triggered whenever I saw her or thought of her. I spent far too much time anticipating and thinking about her, which resulted in tension in my own body—my heart rate would increase, and my neck and shoulders would tighten. I decided to change. I knew I could not change her; however, I could change my reactivity and perspective.

Thus, I practiced the “Pause and Recenter” technique described in the blog. At the first moment of awareness that I was thinking about her or her actions, I would change my posture by sitting up straight and looking upward, breathe lower and slower, and then, in my mind’s eye, send a thought of goodwill streaming to her like an ocean wave flowing through and around her in the distance. I choose to  do this because I believe that within every person, no matter how crazy or cruel, there is a part that is good, and it is that part I want to support.

I repeated this many times—whenever I looked in the direction of her house or saw her in her yard. I also reframed her aggressive, negative behavior as her way of coping with her own demons. Three months later, I no longer react defensively. When I see her, I can say hello and discuss the weather without triggering my defensive reaction. I feel so much more at peace living where I am.

When stressed, angry, rejected, frustrated, or hurt, we so often blame the other person. The moment we think about that person or event, our anger, indignation, resentment, and frustration are triggered. We keep rehashing what happened. As we do this, we are unaware that we are reliving the past event and are often unaware of the harm we are doing to ourselves until we experience symptoms such as high blood pressure, gastrointestinal distress, insomnia, anxiety, or muscle tightness. As we think of the event or interact again with that person, our body automatically responds with a defense reaction as if we are actually being threatened. This response activates the defense to protect ourselves from harm— the person is not a threat like the saber-toothed tiger ready to attack. Yet we respond as if the person is the tiger.

This defense reaction activates our “fight or flight” responses and increases sympathetic activation so that we can run faster and fight more ferociously to survive; however, it reduces blood flow through the frontal cortex—a process that reduces our ability to think rationally (Willeumier, et al., 2011; van Dinther et al., 2024). When we become so upset and stressed that our mind is captured by the other person, it contributes to an increase in hypertension, myofascial pain, depression, insomnia, cardiovascular disease, and other chronic disorders (Russel et al., 2015;  Suls, 2013; Duan et al., 2022). 

Our initial response of sharing our frustrations with others is normal. It feels good to blame the other; however, over time, the only person who gets hurt is yourself (Fast & Tiedens, 2010; Lou et al., 2023). The time spent rehashing and justifying our feelings diminishes our time we are in the present moment or focus on upcoming opportunities.

We may not realize that we have a choice. We can keep living and reacting to past hurt or losses, or we can let go and/or forgive and make space for new opportunities. Although the choice is ours, it is often very challenging to implement—even with the best intentions—as we react automatically when reminded of the past hurt (seeing that person, anticipating meeting or actually meeting that person who caused the hurt, or being triggered by other events that evoke memories of the pain).  

What can you do

If choose to change your response and reactivity, it does not mean you condone what happened or agree that the other person was right.  You are just choosing to live your life and not continue to be captured and react to the previous triggers. Many people report that after implementing some of the practices described below or others stress management techniques frequently their automatic reactivity was significantly reduced. They report that their symptoms are reduced and have the freedom to live in present instead of being captured by the painful past.

Pause and recenter

Our automatic reaction to the trigger elicits a defense reaction that reduces our ability to think rationally. Therefore, the moment you anticipate or begin to react, take three very slow diaphragmatic breaths.  As you inhale, allow your abdomen to expand; then, as you exhale slowlymake your yourself tall and look up. Looking up allows easier access to empowering and positive memories (Peper et al., 2017). Continue looking up and inhale slowly allow the abdomen to expand. Repeat this slow breath again.

On the third breath, while looking up, evoke a memory of someone in whose presence you felt at peace and who loves –you such as your grandmother, aunt or uncle or your dog. Reawaken that feeling associated with that memory.  Allow a smile with soft eyes to come to your face as you experience the loving memory. Then, put your hands on your chest, take a  breath as your abdomen to expands, and as you exhale, bring  your hands away from your chest and stretch them out in front of you. At the same time,  in your mind’s eye imagine sending good will to that person or conflict that previously evoked your stress response.

As you do this, you are not condoning what happened; instead, you are sending goodwill to that person’s positive aspect. From this perspective, everyone has an intrinsic component—however small—that some label as Christ nature or Buddha nature.

Why could this be effective?  This practice short-circuits the automatic stress response and provides time to recenter. It interrupts ongoing rumination by shifting the mind away from thoughts about the person or event that induces stress and toward a positive memory. Evoking a loving memory from the past facilitates a reduction in arousal, evokes a positive mood, and decreases sympathetic nervous system activation (Speer & Delgado, 2017).  Additionally, slower diaphragmatic breathing reduces sympathetic activation (Birdee et al., 2023; Siedlecki et al., 2022). By combining body and mind, we can pause and create the opportunity to respond positively rather than reacting with anger and hurt.

Practice sending goodwill the moment you wake up

So often when we wake up, we already anticipate the challenges and even the prospect of interacting with person or event heightens our defense reaction. Therefore, as soon as you wake up, sit at the edge of the bed, repeat the previous practice, Pause and Center. Then,  as you sit at the edge of the bed, slightly smile with soft eyes, look up, inhale as your abdomen  expand. Then, stamp your right foot into the floor while saying, “Today is a new day.” Next, inhale allowing your abdomen expand; as you look up,  stamp your left foot on the floor while saying, “Today is a new day.” Finally, send goodwill to the person who previously triggered your defensive reaction.

Why could this be effective?

Looking up makes it easier to access positive memories and thoughts. Stamping your foot on the ground is a non-verbal expression of determination and anchors the thought of a new day, thereby focuses on new opportunities (Feldman, 2022).

Discuss your issue from the third-person perspective instead of the first-person perspective

When thinking, ruminating, talking, texting, or writing about the event, discuss it from the third-person perspective. Replace the first-person pronoun “I” with “she” or “he.” For example, instead of saying:

I was really pissed off when my boss criticized my work without giving any positive suggestions for improvement,

Say:

He was really pissed off when his boss criticized his work without offering any positive suggestions for improvement.

Why could this be effective? The act of substituting the third person pronoun for the first-person pronoun interrupts our automatic reactivity because it requires us to observe and change our language, which activating the frontal cortex. This process creates a psychological distance from our feelings, allowing for a more objective and calmer perspective on the situation. It  effectively reducing stress by stepping back from the immediate emotional response (Moser et al., 2017).  It means that you are no longer fully captured by the emotions, as you are simultaneously the observer of your own inner language and speech.

Compare yourself to others who are suffering more

When you feel sorry for yourself or hurt, take a breath, look upward, and compare yourself to others who are suffering much more. In that moment, consider yourself incredibly lucky compared to people enduring extreme poverty, bombings, or severe disfigurement. Be grateful for what you have.

Why could this be effective?  The research data shows that if we have low self-esteem when we compare ourselves to people who are more successful (healthier, richer, or successful), we feel worse in comparison  and if we compare ourselves to other who are suffering more we feel better (Aspinwall, & Taylor, 1993). The comparision relativize our suffering. Thus our own suffering become less significant compared to the other people’s severe suffering.

Research shows that when we compare ourselves to people who are more successful (healthier, richer, or more accomplished), we tend to feel worse—especially if we have low self-esteem. However, when we compare ourselves to others who are suffering more, we tend to feel better (Aspinwall, & Taylor, 1993). This comparison relativizes our suffering, making our own hardships and suffering seem less significant compared to the severe suffering of others.

Interrupt the stress response   

When overwhelmed by a stress reaction, implement the recue techniques described in the article, Quick rescue techniques when stress  (Peper, Oded and Harvey, 2024) and the blog to help reduce stress.  https://peperperspective.com/2024/02/04/quick-rescue-techniques-when-stressed/

Conclusion

It is much easier to write and talk about these practices than to actually do them. Remembering and reminding yourself to implement them can be very challenging. It requires significant effort and commitment. In most cases, the benefits are not experienced immediately. However, when practiced many times over weeks and months, many people report feeling less resentment, experience a reduction in symptoms, and improvements in health and relationships.

*This blog was inspired by the podcast, No hard feelings, that featured psychologist Fred Luskin. It is an episode on Hidden Brain, produced by Shankar Vedantam (2025) and the wisdom  taught  by Dora Kunz (Kunz & Peper, 1983; Kunz and Peper, 1984a; Kunz and Peper, 1984b; Kunz and Peper, 1987).

Useful blog that complement the concepts in this blog

References

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